They had landed only 24 hours ago. Aliens. Aliens had really landed 24 hours ago.
This idea goes back ages. It plays out in books, tv shows, movies. But no one ever really internalizes what it might be like. Life from another world. Here. On Earth.
They’re more advanced than we are. Obviously. They came all that way. They’re smarter than we are, too. They learned most of our languages in an hour.
It’s almost impossible to describe them to someone who hasn’t seen them, but then again, who hasn’t seen them? Everyone has. Every news station, live feed, and video blogger is showing them.
They informed us very early on that they’re sizing us up. They want to see what we can offer them. Or what threat we pose to them. Or if we’ve wrecked our planet too much for them to use it. Or some other alien reason that’s too complex for our tiny human brains to comprehend.
My job is to introduce them to humanity’s potential. No big deal at all. No pressure. Just the fate of humanity resting in my sweaty, shaky hands.
I’ve shown the aliens the best and the brightest humans from across the world. They’ve seen child prodigies on a dozen different instruments. They’ve seen our greatest athletes in a half dozen different sports. They’ve met and conversed with two dozen of our greatest scientists. It’s been a very long 24 hours.
At every turn they seem like they’re bored. And they seem like they’re starting to get restless. Restless is not good.
I’ve asked them what they would like to see, what they value. They have told me countless times that they value individuals coming together for a greater purpose and achieving more as a group than any individual could alone. How is that not what great artists, athletes, and scientists do?
As I’m having this existential crisis of planetary proportions, one of my assistants hands me a printed list of some proposed activities for the aliens. Just as he begins to walk away, one of the aliens turns to me and says, “Who is that?”
“That’s… that’s just my assistant.”
“Why have we not been introduced?”
“Um.” Shoot. “N-no real reason. I just didn’t think–”
“Of course you didn’t think!”
The aliens push past me and follow my assistant down the hall as he returns to his cubicle next to the printer. Before he sits down, he hears them lumbering behind him and turns around. With the dopey look he’s known for, he sizes up the massive creatures.
One of them bellows, “What are you doing?”
“Uh, I’m just printing some stuff out,” he unenthusiastically mumbles.
“Show us!”
“Um, okay.”
I intervene. “Excuse me! This is just my assistant; he’s really not very interesting. If you want to see–”
“Hush, human!” The group turns back to my assistant. “Assistant! Show us what you do. And explain everything as you do it!”
“Alright. I just come over here to my laptop at my desk, select the document I want to print, and then hit ‘Print’ on this menu. Sometimes, when I’m in a hurry, I use CTRL+P instead; it’s a little trick I picked up.”
“I see… tell us more.”
I insert myself again. “I promise there are more interesting things here on Earth! This is something that any–”
“I said be quiet, human! Please, Assistant, continue.” My assistant stares blankly at me, then at the aliens, and then continues.
“Well, then I just choose the printer I want to use. If it’s something that needs to be printed in color like a picture or a chart or something, I use the color printer. Otherwise, I use the black and white printer. It’s just that the office manager Charlie gets pretty upset if I print too many things on the color printer.”
The aliens are suddenly filled with energy. “Fascinating! Please, show us more!”
“I mean… I guess I could show you how I make copies.”
The aliens are now vibrating with greater excitement. “Copies! Ooooooo… that sounds wonderful!”
Of course, my assistant continues to show no emotion on his face. “So, first you take the page that you want to copy. Let me see here… uh, I guess this will do. It’s just a list of meeting times and places with all of the people who will be at those meetings. It’s a pretty–”
“Wait, Assistant! You mean to tell me… you mean to tell me that you humans have meetings?” The aliens have quickly gone from an excited energy to a much more intense, almost menacing presence. This is what I was afraid of. This is where the other shoe drops.
I try to stop my assistant from opening his mouth and dooming our entire planet, but he speaks before I can act. “Oh, yeah! All the time! We have meetings about reports and meetings about processes and meetings about initiatives. I mean, we even have meetings about meetings!”
Throughout this explanation, the aliens grow more and more agitated. They look as if they’re about to blow. My assistant, of course, is completely oblivious to this and presses on in his extensive explanation of the most boring aspect of human life. Just as he is about to continue, the aliens let out a multi-tonal, ear-piercing screech. Here it is: the end of the world.
“Meetings! They have meetings! I knew from the moment we landed that these humans were going to be alright. Sure, it seemed a little touch and go there for a while, but it turns out that they’ve unlocked the key to the sustained growth of their civilization. And thanks to Assistant here, we have discovered our newest allies in the galaxy!”
My mouth hangs open in a dumbfounded stare. I literally cannot believe this.
Fortunately, my assistant knows exactly what to say on this momentous occasion. “I mean… yeah, meetings are pretty cool, I guess.”
Max Lai Rainey 